Alone with Others

This blog post is dedicated to Emily Dickinson, may she rest in peace.

I used to get so excited about living alone. I looked forward to the day when I could pack up everything and move to a secluded, rural area of Colorado or Montana, where no one could ever find me. That way, I could have all the introvert time I needed, and I would never have to feel drained or burned out from interacting with people. I imagined myself as a modern-day Emily Dickinson, who spent her adult life as a recluse--only I wouldn't write weird poems about snakes and death (except maybe I would because maybe that's what being a recluse does to you). 

Anyway, for the longest time, I was scared I would graduate from school and would have to share my life with other people. And then, as graduation approached, my attitude complete reversed: I started getting scared that I would graduate from school and wouldn't have anyone to share my life with. This didn't really make sense to me, though. I'm an introvert. I love being alone. 

So here's what I realized: there are two kinds of introverts. There are the introverts that actually like seclusion (i.e. Emily Dickinson), and there are the introverts that like to have their alone time with other people (i.e. yours truly). Really, this is all besides the point because I think community is for everyone and can work for everyone--probably even Emily Dickinson if she were still with us. 

I have no idea if Jesus was an introvert or not, but we do know that he was around people all the time. Seriously, the guy was in high demand (for obvious reasons). Luke 4:31-44 tells of Jesus going from place to place, healing people as he went and getting zero downtime. People are asking him to heal their sisters and mother-in-laws and nephews and pet rabbits, and when they're not, he's got twelve grown men following him around and nagging him to play hide-and-seek. Jesus was constantly experiencing the good and bad of community. 

But Luke 5:16 says, "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." He still had those moments of introversion. This aloneness was, after all, an opportunity for prayer and community with God. This is also what the Lenten season is about--modeling our lives after Jesus, who spent forty days in the desert fasting before he even began doing all the things Luke 4 and 5 talks about. Yes, he lived in community with his disciples and those he fellowshipped with, but he remembered to be intentional about solitude--probably because he knew how important and healthy it was for him to be alone in God's presence. The same is true for anyone living in community. It's important to experience relationships with those we live or surround ourselves with, but it's okay--and entirely encouraged--to retreat. 

We should remember, though, that after Jesus retreats, he returns to his community. We (even introverts) should do the same because, as I've said, our relationships with those who live like Jesus are so so so important for our spiritual, mental, and emotional health. And that's why Emily Dickinson's poetry is the way it is.

Lent

Tomorrow begins the Lenten Season. I've always misunderstood Lent. In the past, I've tried (half-heartedly) to give up sweets or social media. I don't think it worked because my reasons for giving these things up were entirely selfish. I chose to give up sweets out of concern for my physical health, and I chose to give up social media out of concern for my academics. Lent isn't just another time to make New Year's Resolutions that you'll forget after the first few days. Lent is about spiritual health.

Something I've been working on this year is my tendency towards self-reliance. This past fall, I stopped making plans for my future (or at least started to stop making plans for my future). I had spent so many years worrying about what was next and trying to control the path my life was taking. Perpetual self-reliance was not healthy for me--emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I couldn't have a closeness with Jesus because I wasn't allowing him to direct my life. So in the fall, I decided to surrender some of my plans. I didn't apply for grad schools. I didn't look for a job. And maybe that's just foolishness, but the peace I experienced about those decisions convinced me otherwise.

I am convinced community works in the same way. My self-reliance wasn't just about refusing to surrender to Jesus. My self-reliance was about my unwillingness to allow any other being take care of me or know my vulnerabilities. Because I was unwilling to be vulnerable, I was unable to form close relationships. When I started living in community, I slowly began to open up to the idea of being surrounded by a group of girls who demanded vulnerability. I remember being chastised for not calling for a ride home from work or for not letting anyone else pay for my food. But now, I feel like "Lean on Me" is sometimes our house's theme song. Our relationships are so strong because we let each other know our vulnerabilities and take care of our needs.

Think about it this way: What is more vulnerable than giving another person agency in your own life? What is more intimate than allowing another person to take care of you? Closeness with Jesus and closeness within community are so dependent on our willingness to give up our self-reliance.

gathered

Two and a half years ago, I convinced myself I didn't need relationships. I was in my first year of school, and either because I was too busy or because I was too afraid to make friends--or some combination of both--I had isolated myself. To some degree, isolation worked for me. I was good at being alone, so it didn't bother me that I had no friends at school. I could spend entire weekends without interacting with anyone, and it didn't seem to make a difference.

But slowly, two things began to happen. The relationships I did have back home became harder. When I went home for breaks, I didn't know how to be with my friends, and I would avoid spending time with them because I no longer felt comfortable not being alone. And second, my relationship with Jesus became nonexistent. Still, I convinced myself this was okay. I thrived by myself. I didn't need any of those relationships.

Except I wasn't really thriving at all. I was miserable at school, I was nearly as miserable at home, and spending time with people caused me a lot of anxiety. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller describes a similar feeling:

"I know about that feeling, that feeling of walking out into the darkness. When I lived alone it was very hard for me to be around people. I would leave parties early. I would leave church before worship was over so I didn't have to stand around and talk. The presence of people would agitate me. I was so used to being able to daydream and keep myself company that other people were an intrusion. It was terribly unhealthy."

I think when Don Miller says "unhealthy," he's talking about several different things: mental health, emotional health, and especially spiritual health. This past year, I started living in a house with ten other girls who love Jesus and want to love like he did. They've shown me love over and over and over again, and because of that, spiritually, I am much healthier. No amount of praying or Bible-reading in solitude could have done that for me.

It comes down to this. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus says, "Where two or three have gathered together in my name, I am there in their midst." We can't have Jesus in our lives without others who live like Jesus in our lives.

gathered is about community. Why we need it. How we find it. What to do when we have it. gathered is also about spiritual health, mental health, and earth health because I think those are all things that can come from living in community. Let's celebrate community together.